Love will tear us apart

Joy Division are one of my favourite bands in the whole world.  Their best known song is 'Love Will Tear Us Apart'.  It is one of the songs that back in the day when I was a teenager I would listen to on my walkman, stopping all the time to write down the words.  When I had transcribed the words I would then decide what I thought they meant, (and also make up words that sort of fit in with the song when I couldn't hear it properly after the 5th rewind).  I have since read Deborah Curtis's memoir of life with Ian, and subsequently found out that 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' was about his failing marriage to her.  Personally, I interpreted it to mean the situation when you are just living your life, and then you fall in love and it all goes tits up.  

I often find myself in this situation, I am happily living my life, whether I am single or with someone, and then I fall in love and everything goes to shit.  Spectacular situations where this has happened include the time when I was happily single, then fell in love with a girl who was married, and subsequently became miserable, as it was impossible for us to be together.  In unforeseen circumstances, she actually divorced her husband and got with me, but the extreme happiness was short lived, as she was horrible, and destroyed my self esteem.  Another spectacular love fuck up was when I was with a very good man, who was perfect.  It was the best relationship I have ever had, and the three years I was with him were the most stable of my life.  I never felt depressed at all.  Then, I fell in love with a girl from work, and felt like I couldn't stay with him anymore, as I loved someone else.  

  When I was about 14, I wrote in my diary that I wished love did not exist, and that we could just go around shagging each other purely for pleasure, a bit like the 60s when the pill was invented and everyone was shagging each other like animals.  I don't know if this would work though, it might be like that scene in Demolition Man where Sandra Bullock says she's had a lovely night with Sylvester Stallone, and then she politely asks him if he would like to have sex.  She then proceeds to do something weird with a head set, which probably wouldn't happen, but the point I'm trying to make is it might be boring.  Unlike a 60s utopia of mad drug induced fucking, more like trainspotting or birdwatching, where it is just a sort of hobby.
  Thinking back though, I would have to say when I look back on my lovelife it has been 10% happy times, and 90% gut wrenching miserable times.  This might be because of my attitude, it might be because I have been unlucky, it might be because I am doing it wrong, but the figures speak for themselves.  If I never fell in love, or if love didn't exist, would I have depression?  Yes, I would, because I think that in my case there is a definite brain chemistry factor (as my depression is hereditary and it has been proven that when it runs in families it is more likely to be down to dodgy synapses than deep seated emotional issues), but I think it would be significantly less complicated, and subsequently easier to treat and manage.
  So the main point of this blog entry is just me thinking about love and how it makes you a bit miserable sometimes.  However, there probably isn't much point in thinking about that too much, because would I want to live in a world without love?  No.  Would I go back and change anything about the way I have loved and lost over the years?  No.  And am I going to stop falling in love and doing stupid things in the name of love, Hell no.  Therefore, there is no point to my post, but the beauty of a blog is that you can write whatever you want, so there it is.